> We're Hiring
We're looking for a few good computer consultants. We
need people to help out with the day to day needs of our growing
list of clients here in the San Francisco Bay Area. They need
to be very attentive and knowledgeable of most computer software
and hardware and Internet procedures. The detailed requirements
are listed below:
- Must be able to forgo any personal
or family life.
- Must be able to work a minimum
of 12 hours per day (sometimes 18) for systems restores and the
like, and work 7 days per week when necessary.
- Must be able to do a complete
system restore with absolutely no changes from the previous system.
This can involve 12 hours of work, so they'll have to have the
ability to compress that time to 2 hours and only charge the
client 2 hours for it.
- Must be able to wait sometimes
2 months for a paycheck.
- Must have a credit line of $20,000
to extend to clients for parts to be ordered for new or failed
systems. Must be willing to forego finance charges to clients
when the invoice is not paid before your pay date is due. Must
be able to pull money out of thin air when this happens to fill
- Must be knowledgeable of all
hardware components and their relationships to one another. Must
know how all major brands interact with each other without reading
manuals at the drop of a hat.
- Must be familer with all 50
millions lines of code in Windows, all versions of Windows and
how they all interact with each other.
- Must have extensive computer
library of over 300 books and tutorials. Must posses a credit
card to purchase these books, as they can be expensive. Can't
complain when a book is 3 months old and has to be thrown away
because its obsolete.
- Must have own tools. You'll
need a Computer System capable or burning CDs, DVDs, running
all versions of Windows operating systems, UNIX, Novell, and
Windows NT (all 4 versions). Your system must be able to switch
on a moment's notice from one operating system to another while
on the phone with clients.
- Must own commercial vehicle.
If you don't have a commercial vehicle, then when you park downtown
in commercial zones, it'll get towed or ticketed. Must be knowledgeable
of the parking areas in San Francisco. Responsible for any tickets
or towing fees.
- Must posses the ability to pickup
and deliver it yesterday, no matter what it is, hardware, software
and complete networks with wiring.
- Must have home phone and cellular
phone with pager and voicemail. Your home phone must be able
to roll-over to your cell phone, and your cell phone must have
multi-line capability. They also must be able to figure out a
way to be able to talk to 2 clients at the same time, and on
the rare occasion, three at the same time. They must be able
to talk 3 hours a day on this cell phone, so a good backup battery
will be necessary.
- Can't complain when they see
other technicians in the Bay Area living in big nice homes, driving
big nice cars, going on big nice vacations twice a year doing
the same job they are.
- They'll have to pay shipping
charges for any returned parts for clients hardware that fails
until reimbursed 90 days later.
- Must have a perfect record of
never losing any client data from backups or failed hardware.
- Must have $2,000,000 dollars
in liability insurance for any hardware or data restore failure.
This is only $950 per year. Gotta have it.
- Must be able to report on new
technology on a daily basis. Be able to implement this technology
1 hour after its developed.
- Posses the ability to perform
updates to clients computer systems while they sleep. Must guarantee
reliability of the updates from ANY manufacturer even though
you had no hand in developing it or testing for its compatibility
with other hardware and software that may be on the clients system.
- Did I mention that they must
own a crystal ball? The crystal ball comes in handy a lot of
- And last but not least, they
must love what they are doing...
Still want to apply?
If you know of anyone who fits
this description, please email us or call as soon as possible.
We have been placing ads everywhere but haven't had any inquiries.
1675 Rollins Road, Suite B2
Burlingame, CA 94010
Although all of the above is 100% accurate for computer consultants,
if you took any of it seriously you should make an appointment
with your nearest therapist.